#2:  Susan from The Suburbs Hate Snakes

Park traffic blows, don’t get me wrong.  There’s nothing worse than getting to the sunniest spot on the course, just to wait for bougie-Betty and her 3 bichon frise’s to stroll past your peripheral while lining up a flip-to-flat shot over the walking path.

It’s not that you’d hit them, it’s just that any shot that skips within 120 feet of this perpetually-angry suburbanite is going to cause some litigious gears to start turning in her entitled little head.  The next thing you know, you’ll be Venmo-ing Susan Something-or-Other for her overpriced dogs’ emergency veterinarian bill and their $60-a-bottle puppy-Klonopin.

You’re a junkie, Bertha, and you need help.

But, here’s the deal:  Let’s say one of Betty’s dogs or spoiled nephews gets straight murked by a rattlesnake.  Don’t you think that the Mayor is going to have every Tom, Dick, and Harry from the Parks Department out there pitchforking anything that slithers?

Susie don’t play that shit, and her lawyer’s thirst for cash will keep the pressure on until there are less snakes at your local course than at Everest base camp.


1 2 3 4 5